You are Satan, the consummate villain, and the ascendant figure in the unholy trinity. [along with my coworkers "The Knife" and "The Chef"] Throughout history you have been called The Serpent, The Accuser, The Devil, Lucifer, The Prince of the Power of the Air, and The Dragon, among other things. [Nah...mostly just 'bitch'.] Your “compatriots” in the unholy trinity, the Antichrist and the False Prophet, are merely pawns in your futile struggle with God. Though, they probably don’t know this. This is because you are a master of deception; indeed the Bible calls you “The Father Muthah of All Lies”. [I would look at it more as keeping the peace and oiling the gears of social interaction. There *are* degrees, you know.] "You are also very ambitious, and you strive to be in positions of the utmost authority. Unfortunately, it was impossible for you to obtain the highest title in heaven and this is part of the reason why you decided to leave. Of course, you couldn’t just leave by yourself, so you managed to use your deceptive abilities to get one third of the angels in heaven to join with you in revolt. [Wow... you know what, that reminds me... about 23 years ago, I walked out on my job as a waitress at Denny's. I quit on a Saturday night (I worked graveyard) and TOOK THREE OF MY FRIENDS WITH ME, leaving only one person to work the floor. Her name was Angie and she farted when she coughed. This whole reference is uncanny....but I wouldn't call being a graveyard waitress at Denny's 'heaven'] God put down the rebellion and expelled you from heaven. [Wait...didn't it just say up there that Satan wanted to leave? Is this a case of "You're fired."
"You can't fire me...because I QUIT!"?]To most people, it would seem foolish to start a war against God, but pride can sometimes cause people to do foolish things. In heaven, you were the most beautiful and powerful of all angels [eh...not so much] and you were well aware of this. Unfortunately, you let your pride consume you and your passions led you down the road to perdition. [More like down the road to another restaurant.] After you were expelled from heaven, you let another one of your attributes consume you—envy. You knew that you could never defeat God, but you could attempt to destroy humanity, his most beloved creation. Your goal is to bring as many people as possible to suffer in Hell with you. Actually, I had quite a following as a waitress. Often customers will go with you to your new place. And yes, many did follow me to the new place] Fortunately for you, but unfortunately for the rest of us, you’ve been endowed with all of the attributes necessary (deceptiveness [inscrutability], confidence [what's wrong with confidence?], ruthlessness [bravery, derring-do?], and ambition [Again, I ask you, what's wrong with that?]) to do a terribly good job at this. [Methinks this is slightly exaggerated; in my case, some of these things can be considered positive attributes.]